The Star Wars Holiday Special: A very Special Team Portal
After watching the recent Colbert Christmas Special, and Nicki not having a clue what these Christmas specials were about, Webmonkey Rob and Nicki decided it was time to watch the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special from 1978. Once again, Nicki hadn’t seen this. Being British she swears to being oblivious to these strange variety Christmas specials, and she wasn’t even born during the one and only time the special aired. Even so, she had heard many a rumour about just how cheesy the special was, and so the two plucky adventurers, joined by Crazy Luna and Lazy Jory, waded their way through what is now believed to be the worst Holiday special ever!
Please note that the following is only an abbreviated transcript of this viewing. As it turns out, the Star Wars Holiday Special was less cheesy Star Wars fun, and more yawn-some than first anticipated. There was a lot of fast forwarding and snoozing being done.
The opening scene with Han Solo and Chewbacca attempting to get to Kashyyyk for Life Day.
Rob: These sets look awful.
Nicki: Harrison Ford must’ve hated every minute of this!
The credits roll up.
Nicki: Mark Hamill looks really weird. Why all the make up?! And Carrie Fisher looks so stoned. Harrison Ford’s probably wishing he was stoned!
We, the viewers, are introduced to Chewbacca’s family waiting at home: Malla, Itchy and Lumpy.
Rob: Itchy and Lumpy. Yeah that sounds very Wookie!
As the Wookie scene seems to go on and on, entirely in Wookie-speak, no subtitles…
Rob: I can’t believe how sloooww this is!
Jory: [loud groan]
Finally, the Wookie family contact Luke and R2-D2.
Nicki: He just looks really strange! (editors note: this was due to a recent car accident, the scars of which Hamill has in Empire Strikes Back). And why is R2-D2 moving all weirdly?
Saun Dann, a local trader, arrives bearing Life Day presents for everyone, including a particularly creepy present for Itchy.
Nicki: I think this is supposed to be like Wookie porn.
Not caring to view Wookie porn or an overly long performance with Diahann Carroll, we fast forward through it. The Wookies then contact Princess Leia who staggers over to the viewer.
Rob: Did she just stumble?
Nicki: (chuckleS) Yep.
A brief reprieve is given to our intrepid team when the cartoon episode appears with our first ever introduction of Boba Fett. Finally, something slightly decent although what’s up with Han’s face in this cartoon? Afterwards, Lumpy begins assembling a device using an overly long creepy instructional video with an unfunny Harvey Korman. This is after we already saw an overly long creepy instructional cooking video with an unfunny Harvey Korman.
Nicki: What is with all these creepy futuristic videos? I feel like I’m watching Faranheit 451 or some other weird, dystopic movie.
A message flashes on the screen that all Imperial personnel are required to watch this video, Life on Tatooine, a sort of reality show, featuring Bea Arthur who is the apparent owner of the Cantina. The show within a show is part soap opera and features a much longer than needed vocal performance by Arthur.
Rob: That’s required viewing for Imperial personnel?! Can we just fast forward to the end?
Luna: [wags tail enthusiastically]
As a stormtrooper chases Lumpy, about to kill him, Han and Chewie arrive to save the day. Finally, some action! Not quite. Han quickly jumps the stormtrooper and the stormtrooper falls off the balcony.
Nicki: So I guess there’s no issue about whether or not Han shot first!
Finally the end is near, as the Wookies, Han, Luke, Leia and the gang all magically appear together under the great Tree of Life and Leia sings a song based on the Star Wars theme. We see flashes of A New Hope during this montage.
Nicki: Okay, this just helps contrast even more just how bad the FX are in this.
Rob: I can’t believe how long that was!
Nicki: George Lucas should never work again!
Rob: It’s like they had all these variety artists contracted to do a holiday special, and they decided, oh this Star Wars thing seems popular, we’ll wrap that in.
Nicki: Final thoughts?
Rob: I’m hoping that this is my final thought about this nightmare.
Nicki: At least now when you come across episodes I, II, and III you’ll realize that it’s not as bad as it could have been!